a death of sorts

yeah. i ended up drinking more last night (see previous 2 posts- before and after), but it was separate from the lunch beer. the lunch beer was singular and fine, then the subsequent beers came much later in the evening. a friend came over and we drank a little and dicked around on the internet like antisocial weirdos and then went out to some awful dj night. i got to the bar, had one drink, got insanely depressed because i knew i'd have to get completely wasted and make an ass of myself if i wanted to have a good time. then i started feeling sorry for everyone else there because i figured they were probably in the same predicament as me, whether they knew it or not. i got all choked up which is totally out of character for me and i decided that i had to get out of there. i rode my bike half way home and started bawling. this is two weekends in a row that i've done that, which is strange because i've been more stable than usual lately. i don't think about death as much and i don't think i've got a billion diseases. maybe the stability has given me clarity and the clarity is what's making me cry. it makes sense. so anyway, i spoke with my friend today and she said that she had the exact same experience, she had one drink, had a wave of emptiness wash over her and left. strange, right? maybe not strange at all. i have to go pin up the hole in the ass of my jeans before i go out (not to a dj night). maybe i'll grace myself with another drunken entry later on.